person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!
You Might Also Like
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Frankenstein?
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes