Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
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Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.