@icrushedmyhalo

Person: Raise your glasses!

Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*

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@Parkerlawyer

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

@kibblesmith

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

@Brampersandon_

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

@IvoryGazelle

Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.

Sincerely,
hawks

@WhatsHerFace33

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

@PleaseBeGneiss

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving

@TheBoydP

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

@Darlainky

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

@WheelTod

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.