Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
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who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*