Person: Raise your glasses!

Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*

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Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”


But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.


ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman


Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.



A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.


people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving


Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.


If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.


Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.