Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
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But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.