person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
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11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.