*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
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He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
We decided to have money instead of children.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)