No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
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“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁