PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
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GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.