[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
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Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler