[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
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Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Just why bro?!
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!