[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

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Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”


6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one


In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate


I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.


IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]



You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.


SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me


me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs



“How long have I got?”

“Not long. Two, three months”

[casually places apple on desk]

“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”


ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911