Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
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Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great