Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
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never compromise your values
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.