PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
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Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.