Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
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PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.