Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
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Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
2023 was just a warmup
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”