PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
You Might Also Like
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Name another movie that mislead you?
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.