Personal question. #JustSaying
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People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
North and South
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.