Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

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I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.


“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”


Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”


One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.


POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it


[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.


For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.


Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.


[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.