I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
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“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.