Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
When you’re here for the treats.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number