Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
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“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.