PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
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I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Beware of fowl play.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
The days of good grammer has went
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.