Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
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March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
bugs when you lift up a rock
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?