Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
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I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Attacked by a mop.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.