Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
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Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.