@AndyAsAdjective

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

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@MeetingBoy

I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?

@5hael

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

@PetrickSara

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

@mommy_cusses

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

@bewgtweets

Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.

@fro_vo

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

@Leemanish

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

@ch000ch

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

@BeamishBoi

*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”

@coffeeandvinyl1

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right