I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
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If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right