Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
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Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Why font matters.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you