Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
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The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
I’m listening
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no