Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look*

*hours later*
Me: oh SHIT

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

Running from your problems is cardio .

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

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