Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
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*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart