Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
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*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
it must be school picture day
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
#TopTip
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.