Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
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Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.