Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience