[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
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[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Comparing yourself to others
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I’m putting together a team
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.