Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
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Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink