Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
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If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”