[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
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store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close