@JJSummertime Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
@Browtweaten [pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
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@JJSummertime 
@nickeldoodle 
@charmfoz If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
@archeohistories Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
@mylifesuckers Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
@HeyoShellz In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
@GonzoVice You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
@Token_Geezer Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
@candygrlMT Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
@Fred_Delicious [Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”