[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

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Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.


If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.


Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?


In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates


You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.


Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.


[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]

“no actually”