[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

You Might Also Like


I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game


Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.


I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.


I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time


People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.


People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.


Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.


Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.