[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
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Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body