@Browtweaten

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

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@_CherriAnn_

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game

@swiftenhaal

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.

@TheAdly

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

@taps0420

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

@missekay

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

@TheTweetOfGod

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

@YoungNobler

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

@DammitErin

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.