[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
You Might Also Like
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
shit, they caught us—run!!!
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer