[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
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Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I’m crying im so happy for them
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.