PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
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“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.