[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
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I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
step 6: release the wall snake
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.