pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
You Might Also Like
a lot to unpack here
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.