pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
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To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Spider-cat: No One Home
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Lol.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
When you can’t find your friend Neil
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the