Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
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Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom