Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
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[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens