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It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
A collection of me turning into random objects.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
This line from Airplane.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*