Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
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“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific