PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
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My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
set yourself free xox
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.