“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
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Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Good dog. ❤️
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
The absolute effort that went into this omg
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood