petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
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*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
“what that mouth do?” complain
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Shower sex be like:
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”