Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
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George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids