Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
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Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭