petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
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[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.