*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
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Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Choose your fighter
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
This fish is cracking me up
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I feel it
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date